It's been over three months since I updated this...fuck MySpace blogs...lawl...Anyway...a lot has happened in the past few months. Something always usually does happen. Always usually? That was a bit dumb. Anyway. I'm trying to think of the important stuff that happened.

Well, I guess a lot of important events took place, but, typing it all out would be...stupid and pointless.

Hhrm. Well, I lost another "close" friend. Kind of ironic how it happened. Like, how it happened was completely self-contradictory for them. I don't want to get into details. We can't have me thinking about it. I really don't want to.

Ohhhh. Another REALLY important thing.

Well, at least, important to me. So, I guess I've said a lot how I've lost like 37,834 friends this year. Well, at least, like, 7 or 8.

So, within the past two months, 3 of them apologized. It got me thinking. Of course it did. I mean, all three of the apologies were "I'm sorry. I was wrong. Can you forgive me?"

For the longest time I went on thinking something was wrong with me. And it was all my fault. Not saying I'm perfect, and that and I'm always right. But I guess it's just nice to know that I'm not this completely terrible person that has terrible social skills and destroys the world.

It just...makes me feel better that people (some of them, mind you) see me as a human being. With emotions. Yay for me being a person! (tee hee)

But now I'm thinking about that one person. Damn. I guess one of the problems that happened with them was that...to me, at least...it was as if nothing I ever did was good enough for them. I couldn't do anything right. So they'd get mad at me, usually for no reason...or nothing big...maybe she was just a bitch. I don't know. So when they were mad, they'd shut me out...so I wouldn't know what I did wrong. I wouldn't be able to fix it. It would be to a point where they'd just ignore me, then the next day, they'd talk to me. It's like, they chose the days where I was good enough to talk to them. It was...bullshit. Stupid immature bullshit. I mean, they meant a lot to me...but all they seemed to do was fuck with my emotions. I cut them out of my life. It still bothers me, a lot. And quite often. But I know it was the best decision...because I know if I didn't it would just be...more bullshit, and it would make everything more complicated. It's already too complicated. Blah! I'm going to stop now.

The good part is that I've been happy a lot lately. The episode of depression seems to have lifted. For now. Hahahahah. I still have "just one of those days" but they're happening a lot less. Although today I've been really mean to like, everyone. Usually joking though. I just didn't get enough sleep last night. Courtney needs her sleep. Ha. Okay. I'm going to go now.

Buh-bye,
-Courtneyyy

I haven't written in this journal for over a month...so I think it's time for an update. I've half-way written like 3...since last month...probably around 6...but I get too lazy...tired...or distracted. I'm going to make sure I post it this time. I'm not sure how to exactly summarize the past month or so. I could probably make a novel out of it. It'd be a damn...dramatic novel. Gah. I'm getting distracted again. Oh well. I'm not sure what to talk about. I'm not going into any detail about the last month. It just happened to be one of the shittiest months of my life. And that's not exaggeration. Blah. It's one of those months...where...when you think you've hit rock bottom...when you think that nothing else could possibly go wrong...something does? Now...I'm just sitting here waiting for my house to burn down...I mean...I haven't had a boring, non-dramatic day...in...a long time. You know? People suck. Or maybe it's just the people I know. But if there's so many sucky people here...maybe Sierra Vista is the place where sucky people are shipped. Or something in that context. But...I swear...something's fucking messed up. Or maybe it's just me. Yeah, it's probably just me. Or it's those people in the club who are plotting against me. That was a joke...I'm not THAT paranoid. I promise. I also haven't submitted a deviation in a while...I haven't really done anything...so...yuppers...er...it's not fun being boring...Oh well. I think this is my favorite complaining web site...because I don't personally know pretty much anyone...except like...two people...but...otherwise...well...I'm not going to psychologically evaluate myself. I'm too tired. It's midnight. I just realized how tired I am. You know what's sad? I was tired at 9:00. Oh well. I also want a muffin. Ha. I'm going to go get one, now. I might possibly update later. Okay? Alright. Goodbye.

I'm going to write a journal now. It's going to be more of me ranting...but...Besides, if I even consider doing it on MySpace, I'll get fucking bitched at anyway by someone who's so pathetic they have to say shit about other people so they can get out of bed in the morning. Yes, I'm pissed. Let's see. Where the fuck should I start? You know what? I was actually under the impression for a while that things MIGHT GET BETTER. Besides from everything that's been going on...being humiliated constantly...losing nearly all of my friends...having depression for 3 months with nobody doing anything...even when I try to get help...being the adult in my house...losing all my confidence blah blah blah complainy emo rant that I'll probably get bitched at for anyway...ANYWAY. So here's what happened. A few weeks ago...I was talking to my friend John. We talked about people in our Spanish class. A guy in that class, named Jonathan, well I REALLY like him. I like someone else, too...ANYWAY, John told me that Jonathan had done stuff to a girl...but she didn't want it (you know, rape/molestation/sexual abuse?). I was freaking out. I mean, I knew Jonathan was perverted (after being begged for certain "pictures" and blow jobs and blah blah blah), but I mean, DAMN. Like I said, I was freaking out. The next Monday was really awkward, because I was still in a freaking-out mood...but I didn't say anything to Jonathan...because...well he'd probably get pissed and kill John. John was my friend...so, yeah. Well as I was freaking out, one of my friends, Rhiannon, was asking what the hell was going on. I decided to be a fucking dumbass and write it in a note. I had already mentioned that I wasn't sure if it was true or not...but just to hear something like that WASN'T GREAT. So, another person I knew, Joe, (yes everyone's name I know starts with a J) came over there, and was like "What's that?" while pointing at the note. I didn't intend on telling him anything, but after like 30 minutes of begging and pleading, I let him read the damn note. I assumed that you know, we could all let it go, and go on with our already dramatic enough teenage lives. HAH. If I ever irritated Joe, he would threaten to tell Jonathan what I had told him. I REALLY didn't want that to happen, because I was trying my hardest to get him to like me. I should have known he only wanted sex...that's what most guys want from me...if they even want anything...do I look like a fucking whore?!? Anyway, I made Joe promise he wouldn't say anything. Well, John and Joe ended up getting in a fight. I was okay with that, because I thought they were both still my friends, no worries, you know? BUT NOOOO. This week, Joe was just being a dick. So was Jonathan...but...that's a complainy emo rant for later...so Joe kept saying he was going to tell Jonathan. I was like "Ah hell naw". I was scared, because I really don't need everyone else hating me right now. Yesterday, Joe told me he told Jonathan. I was freaking out, once again. You know, yelling and screaming and hitting things. I almost killed Joe. I'm not even kidding, that's how pissed I was. By the way, JOE'S A DICK. Anyway, today, he tried to talk to me, but I just told him to leave me the fuck alone. About 5 minutes later, after he went back to his desk, he told me to check my phone. His text message read: "I didn't really tell him, stupid girl. Now I have a reason to." I was relieved, but still pissed because he fucking lied to me like that. I was sort of relaxed. That maybe it would all blow over. BUT NOOOO. In 5th hour, Joe texted me, AGAIN, saying "Okay NOW I told him but I didn't say names. It's not true, he's 100% virgin". Then Jonathan texted me saying "Who's talking shit?" and it just escalated. Now stupid Jonathan isn't talking to me, and Joe just WON'T SHUT UP. He's one of those people that always talks about other people, but when one person says something about him, FREAKS OUT and gets really defensive. And trust me, he's always saying shit about someone. I nearly killed him in the hallway. This is the angriest I’ve been…in a long time. I doubt Jonathan is ever going to talk to me again, because apparently it’s somehow my fucking fault, and Joe will just say shit about me until everybody hates me. It’s terrible because I was actually starting to make friends again…and now…AH!!! It's so frustrating because I can't do anything...FUCK! I hate the world!!! And I hate people that don't know how to keep their damn mouths shut!!! JESUS CHRIST LORD GOD SON OF GOD ALLAH BUDDHA ALQUEDA AMATERASU FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER!!! I think I'm just going to take some pills and forget about it. I know drugs don't make my problems go away, but damn. Hey, they're prescribed...so HA! Now that I've ranted, I feel better. Not really that much...but...enough...to where...I don't know. But that's about it. I'm going to go now. Goodbye.


P.S. Don't ever use peach lubricant. EVER.

P.P.S. If you're going to be a dick to me, don't say "no offense" afterward. If you weren't trying to offend me, you wouldn't have said it in the first place.

I've been meaning to post a new journal...this is like the 5th time I've tried. Every other time I've bored myself...or just got tired and shut off the computer. Hopefully I'll actually do it this time. I'm not sure what to talk about. I never really do know, unless I'm ranting. But every time I do rant, people get mad at me, so that's pointless. And yes, I'm letting other people control what I do. I mean, if I do what they want, then I'll never upset anyone. Wow. That's not true. Nobody is ever sastisfied. Before I go on some emo rant that I'll get yelled at later for...hmm...let's talk about...stuff. Things at school are...well...I don't know. There's way too much drama. Oh. The people I like. Hahah. Wow. Well I've given up on that. Neither of them know...and I plan to keep it that way. I guess it's because I know they'll never feel the same. Then again...when's the last time I liked someone and they liked me back? Let's think. Middle of March LAST YEAR. I've been in relationships since then...but I just haven't really...I don't know. My feelings for them are...so...I don't know. Let's see...me. I'm still not really happy...actually...I'm depressed most of the time...they decided to put me on medication. It's not working. I'm just tired all of the time now. And if I don't go to bed right after I take Ambien, I do A LOT of stuff I wouldn't do otherwise. It's really trippy. I'm not sure what else to talk about...I'm going to go now...Bye.

Oh em gee I've been wanting to post a new journal for a while, so I finally figured out what to write about! I'm going to post some AMAZING quotes/things that sound cool to me. Some I came up with, others I just found. Oh yeah. So here they are:

There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight, just a bridge that I have to burn.

How can you expect me to tell you what's wrong, when there isn't anything right?

It's amazing how someone can break your heart, and you can still love them with all the little pieces.

The scars will heal, but never go away.

You hate me for falling off the ledge, but weren't you the one who pushed me?

I guess I stopped talking when I realized that no one was listening.

I can change my mind, I can't change my heart.

The hardest part of heartbreak is not the initial pain, it's the seemingly endless search for the one person who can put it back together.

I'm going to smile and pretend I'm happy,
I'm going to laugh so you don't see me cry.
I'm going to let you go in style,
And even if it kills me - I'm going to smile.

It's sad when people you know become people you knew, when you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life, how you used to be able to talk to them for hours, and how now you can barely even look at them.

That's enough for quotes. Another thing...I've been looking at my yearbook...and surprisingly most of the entries were from friends that I either don't talk to anymore...or hate me. I'm going to put some of them.

"Hey Girlie-
Sup with you g-dog, homie-g, another thing that starts with g. Yo, what's up in your butt from the duck. I'm so asian and black, racist. So this year..................................................................................................................................................................................good you get it.
-Matt"

We were best friends...now we pretty much hate each other...over stupid stuff, too...

"Thanks for everything you've done for me this year, last year, and all the years to come. I love you more then anything/one. Don't ever change,
-Katie S."

She was a really close friend, too...and again...we hate each other...**sigh**.

"Hey Courtney,
Let's begin. Well for one, I love you. This year was awesome and with you as a good friend made it better! I loved the good times and hated the bad, so I'll miss you when I'm in Austrailia. <3
Love you forever,
Stefan"

Another really close friend. He hates me WITH A PASSION now. There's a lot more entries...but these three meant a lot to me. It's weird how much things can change in such little time...I really miss the past. I miss them. I hate losing friends...but I'm trying to focus on the good influences they had on me...so I won't make as much mistakes with friendships now. I'm done for now...Goodbye.